USING YOUR IMAGINATION

One of the best ways to calm your mind and stop those unwanted, persistent worries is to use your imagination. If you can replace that stress-producing thought or image with one that is relaxing, chances are you’ll feel much better. Here’s how:

          1.Find a place where you won’t be disturbed for a few minutes and get comfortable, either sitting in a favorite chair or lying down.

          2.Think of an image — a place, a scene, or a memory — that relaxes you.

          Use all of your senses to bring that imagined scene to life. Ask yourself: What do I see? What can I hear? What can I smell? What can I feel?

          3.Let yourself become completely immersed in your image, allowing it to relax you completely.                                     

                                               

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                                                    Isn’t this relaxing?

          “Sounds good,” you say, “but what is my relaxing image?” Try taking one of these mental vacations (airfare included):

          The Caribbean package: Imagine that you’re on the beach of a Caribbean isle. The weather is perfect. Lying on the cool sand, you feel the warm breeze caress your body. You hear the lapping of the ocean waves on the shore and the tropical birds chirping in the palms. You’re slowly sipping a piña colada. You can smell your coconut-scented suntan lotion. You feel wonderful. You’re relaxed. Your mind is totally at peace.

          The pool package: You’re lying in a large inflatable raft, floating blissfully in a beautiful swimming pool. The day is perfect. The sky is a deep blue, and the sun is warming your relaxed body. You feel the gentle rocking of the raft in the water. You hear the soothing voice of the waiter announcing a buffet lunch in half an hour. You’re content. You could lie here forever (at least until they serve that buffet).

          The winter wonderland package: Picture yourself in a small cabin in Vermont. (If your tastes lean to the more extravagant, switch the scene to Aspen or Gstaad — the cost is the same no matter where you go.) You’re snowed in, but that’s fine because you don’t have to be anywhere and no one needs to contact you. Also, you’re not alone — a favorite person is with you, and you’re both lying in front of a crackling fire. Soft music is playing in the background. You’re sipping hot toddies, mulled wine, or champagne.

          A pleasing memory: Picture a memory, possibly from your childhood or from a more recent time, that you find particularly happy and satisfying. It could be a vacation long ago, a birthday party you loved, or time spent frolicking with a childhood pet.

          None of these examples do it for you? Then come up with your own personal relaxation image. You might try one of these:

1.    Soaking in a hot, soapy bath . . . soft music . . . candlelight . . .

2.    Walking in a quiet forest . . . birds chirping . . . leaves rustling . . .

3.    Lying under a tree in the park . . . warm breezes . . . more chirping

4.    In your most comfortable chair . . . reading a great book . . . no chirping . . .

          What you see and hear usually dominates your imagination. But don’t forget your senses of touch, taste, and smell. By adding these sensual dimensions, you can enrich your images and make them more involving. Feel the sand between your toes; smell the freshly brewed coffee; taste the salt in the air. 

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

DISTRACTING YOURSELF

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Often your thinking heads south and your worries and fears escalate when you have too much free, unfocused time. You may find something to worry about no matter what’s going on in your life. It seems that as soon as one stressful situation is resolved, you find something else to be distressed about. Perhaps the simplest way to calm your mind is to distract yourself by focusing on some other thought, interest, activity, that holds and redirects your attention. This idea may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised how often people overlook this option. Psychologists know that concentrating on two things at the same time is very hard. Therefore, if your mind is flooded with distressing thoughts, change course. Find something else to think about. Just like the “pink elephant” challenge I mentioned earlier in this chapter, you can eliminate a negative image by replacing it with another — say “white polar bears.” Every time a worrisome, undesired image or thought presents itself, distract yourself with some other, more positive thought or activity. Here are some suggested thought and involvements to consider:

1.    Recall something in your life you’re grateful for.

          2. Remember something good that happened to you.

          3. Think of something you’re looking forward to.

4. Go to the gym.

          5.  Read a book, newspaper, or magazine.

          6. Watch some television.

          7. Go to a movie.

          8. Talk to a friend.

          9. Work or play on your computer.

          10. Play a sport.

          11. Immerse yourself in some project or hobby.

          12. Listen to some favorite music.

          13. Work in the garden.

          Jumping into any of these thoughts or activities doesn’t mean that you’re eliminating or changing your stressful situation (more direct approaches in other chapters will help you do just that), but it can pull you out of your ruminations, worries, and upsets until you come up with a longer-term strategy.

          Like everything else in life, you can overdo distraction. Vegging, zoning out, or losing yourself in some pleasurable activity can be relaxing and provide some balance to other parts of your stressful life. Too much distraction, however, may not be better. Spending hours watching TV, playing a computer game, or browsing online may be distracting, but you may be missing out on other more rewarding experiences. Go for balance.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

TURNING OFF YOUR MIND

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If only you had a switch on the side of your head that, with a quick flick, could simply stop the ruminating, the worry, the anxiety, the hurt, the anger — all of the distressing thoughts and feelings that flood your mind. Clearly you don’t have an on-off switch to control your thoughts. However you do have more control over your thinking and feeling than you may imagine. You can become more aware of what you’re thinking and decide how much attention and importance you should give to these thoughts and feelings. Your goal is to see your mind, if not always as a friend, at least as a part of you that you can control, manage, and calm.

Simply saying to yourself, “I will absolutely not think about this stuff anymore!” rarely works. Suppressing unwanted thoughts by willing them away is tough to do. Remember when a friend challenged you: “Don’t think about pink elephants”? Barely are the words out of your friend’s mouth when a herd of pinkish elephants fills your mind. The harder you try to will yourself not to think of something, the more likely it is that you in fact will think of that something.

The following sections offer some effective techniques that have been shown to help you escape persistent negative thoughts. I start with a technique that focuses on specific unwanted thoughts and progress to other ways of coping with more generalized forms of emotional distress.

Stopping your unwanted thoughts

Sometimes an unwanted thought or worry grabs you and won’t let go. Perhaps you have an upsetting worry that continually intrudes into your thinking and keeps you from enjoying a pleasant evening with friends. Or maybe you’re trying to fall asleep, and the thoughts racing around in your head make sleeping impossible. You recognize that there’s nothing you can do about your worry and that your worrying is only making things worse. You’d be better off if you could somehow stop thinking about this. But how?

That’s where a technique called thought stopping can be useful. It’s an effective way of keeping repetitive worries and upsets temporarily out of your mind, and it’s also effective in weakening those thoughts, making it less likely that they’ll return. Concentrating on two things at the same time is hard. So if your mind is flooded with distressing thoughts, change course. Find something else, a “wanted” thought you actually enjoy thinking about.

Here’s how to get this technique to work for you:

1.      Write down your unwanted thoughts.

          On a piece of paper, write down three or four thoughts that repeatedly trigger distress. It could be an upsetting memory (your embarrassment when you said something dumb at a meeting), a future fear (an upcoming dental visit), or an imagined anxiety (a plane crash).

2.      Think of some pleasant replacement thoughts.

Write down three or four pleasant, happy thoughts you may have, such as taking a great vacation, achieving a long-term goal, skiing down a mountain, shopping — any pleasant experience, past or future. Keep these pleasant thoughts in your memory so you can easily bring them into consciousness.

3.      Focus on an unwanted thought.

          Find a place where you’ll be undisturbed for about 20 minutes. Sitting or lying comfortably, take some deep breaths and relax your body as much as you can. Close your eyes and select one of your unwanted thoughts. (Don’t choose your most distressing thought at the beginning. You’ll get to the tougher ones later.) Get into your distressing thought using all your senses — what it looks like, feels like, and so on. Hold onto that unwanted thought for a bit.

4.      Yell “stop!”

          Now (and this may sound a bit strange) yell out the word “stop.” At the same time, picture a red-and-white hexagonal stop sign — you know, the kind you see on the street corner. Make your sign large and vivid.

5.      Replace that thought.

          Replace that unwanted thought with one of your pleasant thoughts. Mentally shift your attention to that positive image and feeling. Immerse yourself in this replacement thought, strengthening it with visual images, sounds, and maybe even smells and tastes (Thanksgiving dinner?).

6.      Repeat this process.

          Do this again with the same unwanted thought. Then try it with another unwanted thought. If your pleasant replacement thought loses some of its potency, use one of your others. After you get better at this, stop yelling “stop” and only yell the word in your head. You’re now ready to put this into practice in real life.

The image of the sign and the vocal or silent “stop” will disrupt your thought sequence and temporarily put the unwanted thought out of your mind. Be warned, however: It probably will return, and you may have to repeat this sequence again. And again. If your stress-producing thought or image is strong, it may take many repetitions of this technique to weaken or eliminate it. Stick with it.

Snapping out of it

A variation of the thought-stopping technique that has proved useful for many people is to use a rubber band to help interrupt a distressing thought. Simply take an ordinary rubber band and put it around your wrist. Now, whenever you notice an intrusive or unwanted thought crowding your thinking, pull the elastic and let it snap your wrist. This shouldn’t be painful — just a sharp reminder that you want this distressing thought to go. Use your mental stop sign and remember to replace your unwanted thought with something more pleasant.

One way of enhancing this “stop” technique is to combine it with a breathing technique. It works like this. Instead of replacing your unwanted thought with a pleasant one, focus instead on your breathing. Take some slow, deep breaths and begin counting your exhaled breaths, forward from one to ten and then backward from ten to one. Repeat this process every time you encounter those unwanted, distressing thoughts.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

WHERE DO ALL THESE THOUGHTS COME FROM?

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The ability to think may represent one of the stellar achievements of scaling that evolutionary ladder. Your cat or dog probably doesn’t wake at 3 a.m. worrying about how he’s going to come up with that next mortgage payment. What goes on in your head comes from many different sources. A brief list would include:

Your DNA: You are, in fact, born with a certain temperament and personality traits that may predispose you to think, feel, and react in more stressful ways.

Your family: No surprises here. Mom and Dad play an important role, especially in your younger years, in determining who you are and how you think. Were they critical? Supportive? Were they an active part of your life, or were they absent?

Your life experiences: Positive experiences and negative experiences — your joys, traumas, successes, failures, educational experiences, relationships, religious beliefs — all determine, to varying degrees, how you see yourself and your world.

Your thoughts can take a variety of forms. Much of your thinking can be positive, adaptive, and even fun. You plan for your future, you prudently construct a budget, you replay your daughter’s performance in the school play, and so on. Unfortunately, too much of your thinking works against you, creating unnecessary stress. If you can identify your negative thoughts you are better able to manage them and, if need be, change them.

                                      Sorting out your thoughts

Here is but a sampling of what this negative, not-so-adaptive thinking consists of:

Perfectionism: Insisting that you (and possibly others) be perfect; setting unrealistically high standards for yourself and others.

 Self-downing: Putting yourself down when you fail, are rejected, or don’t have those traits or abilities you think are important for your happiness.

Catastrophizing and awfulizing: Exaggerating the importance and potential consequences of negative events.

Fear of disapproval: Believing that being disapproved of says too much about your identity and value.

 Fear of failure: Seeing failure as a global negative rating of your worth.

Fear of uncertainty: The inability to cope with the unknown and unpredictable. 

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

QUIETING YOUR MIND

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Your mind is constantly working. Sometimes it races, sometimes it slows, but it rarely stops. Even when you’re sleeping, the wheels are turning. You may be worrying about work, your relationships, your finances, or simply how you’re going to juggle the hundred and one things on your plate. Whatever the source of your worry or distress, you clearly aren’t going to relax until you stop — or at least slow — this mental mayhem.

          Consider Matt’s stressful night: Matt is in bed at 11:30, ready and determined to go to sleep. But he well knows that isn’t going to happen. His thinking is just starting to rev up. He’s worried about his job and what he’ll do if that rumored layoff comes through. His credit cards, although not maxed out, are getting there. His relationship with Jenna is losing some steam. Maybe they should take a break for a while. He thinks about yesterday, when his friend Mark told him he wasn’t being a good friend and wasn’t spending enough time with him. Doesn’t Mark understand how busy he is? He remembers his bad decision to buy this apartment. “Don’t really love it. Costing me a fortune! Not worth it! How can I sell it in this market?”

          Matt’s worries are real. But if he continues to ruminate and obsess, he won’t fall asleep until next week. It’s not only the nights when his thinking starts to spin. The days are just as bad. He wishes he didn’t have these problems, but it seems his mind races like this even when the problems change. He desperately wants his brain to shut off or at least slow down. Why do all his worries and anxieties keep spiraling in his mind? “Where,” he asks, “is the off switch?”

Five signs that your mind is stressed

          Below are some of the more common signs that indicate that your mind is working overtime. See how many of the following describe you.

1.    Your mind seems to be racing.

2.     You find controlling your thoughts difficult            

3.    You’re worried, irritable, or upset

4.    You’re preoccupied more often and find concentrating more difficult.

5.     You find it difficult to fall asleep or fall back asleep once awake.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

HAVE A DRINK?

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Dare I suggest that you use an alcoholic beverage as an agent of relaxation?

Yes and no.

For some time now, research literature has been supportive of the value of moderate drinking (that is, no more than one or two alcoholic drinks per day). At this level of intake, alcohol has been found to raise levels of HDL (the good cholesterol) and lessen the risk of heart disease. However, the risks from excessive drinking far outweigh these benefits. For many, drinking can be a slippery slope, with the cure becoming the disease.

The bottom line: Don’t put alcohol at the top of your stress-reduction list. If you have successfully integrated a drink or the occasional use of a pill into your life, fine. But always remember, you can reduce your stress in better ways.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

TAKING A 3-MINUTE ENERGY BURST

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Any concentrated expenditure of energy produces more stress by tensing your muscles, speeding your heart rate, and quickening your breathing. However, after you stop expending energy, you find that your muscles relax and your heart rate and breathing slow down to a level that is lower than when you started. This energy boost can come from walking briskly, running for a short distance, doing jumping jacks, jumping rope, doing sit-ups or push-ups, running up steps — anything that gets your body going.

1.    Become a shaker. Shaking off tension is fun. You can do this exercise either sitting or standing. Begin by holding your arms loosely in front of you and shaking your hands at the wrists. Now let your arms and shoulders join in the fun. Continue for a short while and taper off slowly, letting your arms fall comfortably to your sides. Now lift one leg and start shaking it. Then shift to the other leg. (If you’re sitting, you can do both legs at the same time.) When you finish, notice the tingling sensations in your body and, more importantly, the feelings of relaxation. Admittedly, it looks a little strange, but it works.

2.    Soak up your stress. Think of your bathroom as a mini health spa and your bathtub as a pool of relaxation. Besides, not only do you emerge relaxed and de-stressed, but you’re also clean. Here’s the recipe for that relaxing soak:

            •        A spare half hour

            •        A tub of hot, soapy water

            •        Soothing scents, such as lavender Epsom salts

            •        Soft lighting

            •        Relaxing music

            •        A phone that is turned off or at least silenced

                                      More Ways to Relax

          A few relaxation techniques from off the beaten path:

Throw in the towel. Barbers used to give their customers shaves along with haircuts. In those days, you felt marvelous as your barber carefully placed moist, hot towels on your face. These days, stylists only cut hair. And unless you fly first class to Europe or dine in an upscale Japanese restaurant, you’re unlikely to experience the joy of a hot towel on your face — unless, of course, you put it there yourself. Simply take one or two washcloths and immerse them in hot water. Squeeze out the excess water, lie back, close your eyes, and put them on your face. Ah, nirvana. And what if you don’t have a towel or hot water? Use your hands. Rub them together till they feel warm. Place each hand on a side of your face. No, the feeling isn’t quite as good as a moist, hot towel, but it can still help you relax.

 Jump into a hot tub. If you have a hot tub, great, but keep in mind that many bathtubs have the same benefits. Don’t take my word for it. Just read this promo from one hot-tub manufacturer: “When you slip into the hot massaging waters, your muscles will relax, and your mind will clear.” Maybe so.

Go East; try some yoga. Why reinvent the wheel when some marvelous relaxation approaches have been around for many years? Yoga has been practiced for 5,000 years. Yoga looks at health and well-being from a broad, holistic perspective that sees the mind and body as dynamically interconnected. This ancient Eastern tradition combines physical and postural exercises with meditation practices, breathing techniques, and mindfulness that can help you relax your body and calm your mind. Most people who have tried yoga swear by it. Find a good teacher and give it a try. (Ask friends about yoga classes in your community.

Relax in the bedroom. Sex can be a marvelous way of unwinding and letting go of physical tension. Including some form of mutual massage in your love-making can increase the relaxation benefits.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin