MANAGING YOUR EMAIL

Your email can be a source of delight or major stress depending on how many messages you get, whom they come from, and what the senders want from you. Not only do you have to read most email, but sometimes you even need to respond. You can easily feel overwhelmed. The following are some simple strategies to help you manage your inbox.

Check your email, but don’t overdo it

Most people fall into one of two groups: They either under-check or over-check their email. Checking your email too infrequently can get you into trouble. When people send you an email, they expect that you will respond in a reasonable time frame. That time frame is usually mere hours, not days. Delaying responses to personal emails can trigger the ire of family and friends. The damage of tardy responses in work-related situations can be more serious. But you can also go too far in the other direction. Constantly looking at your email can resemble an addiction, becoming somewhat compulsive. It can disrupt the flow of your day and become an unwelcome source of distraction.

Find some set times when it’s convenient for you to check your email. It could be in the morning with your coffee, before lunch, and toward the end of the day. This will ensure that your inbox doesn’t overflow and that you respond to important emails in a timely manner. A good time to check your email is after you’ve completed some other chore or piece of work. You’re ready for a break, and looking at your email gives you breathing space.

Be efficient

Reading your email can become a black hole that sucks up your time and attention. Minutes can turn into hours. Unless you have that free time or you just really enjoy the process of email correspondence, keep your time per email short and to the point. Remember that bit of sage advice: “Only handle your mail once.” The same principle holds for email. If you read it, answer it right away as briefly as is necessary.

                                      Have more than one email address

One effective way of organizing your email is to have a second email address. This will ensure that email regarding specific parts of your life can be separated. For example, we rent out our house upstate for several weeks a year. Any email regarding this rental is directed to a different email address. It works for us.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition

KEEPING YOUR LIFE ORGANIZED

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Say you manage to reverse eons of disarray and disorganization and now, having applied much grit and determination, you have a clean slate. Rather than waiting for the disorganization to return, you can do a number of things to maintain the order and harmony that you’ve achieved.

Being proactive

Following is a list of tips to help you keep your life organized:

Do it now. Rather than postpone clearing up clutter, do it as soon as you create it.

Do it every day. Try to spend 15 to 30 minutes at the end of the day putting things away so that you can start tomorrow in a (relatively) organized place.

Become aware. Every time you come across an item or piece of paper, ask yourself two questions:

·       How long have I had this?

·       Do I really need this?

Build it in. I go to my gym because it is in my schedule (every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in the morning). I don’t have to make a decision. You can do the same for getting organized. Create patterns. I clean up the yard in the spring. We do the shopping on Saturday. We clean the house on Wednesdays. (Okay, Emlyn cleans our house on Wednesdays.) Create a routine that frees you from having to make decisions. You do it automatically. You do it because your calendar says so.

Delegate. You may not have to do all of this alone. Don’t be bashful about getting others (your partner, your kids, your guests) to pitch in with the program.

Buying less

One of the reasons your life becomes more stressful is that you probably have too many “things.” Fewer possessions mean a less complicated life. You can really live happily without many of the things you buy. So before you pull out your wallet at the cash register or pick up the phone or computer mouse to order something, ask yourself the following questions:

·       Do I really need this item?

·       Would the quality of my life be seriously compromised if I passed this up?

·       How many of these do I already have?

If you’re like most people, I suspect that your answers to these questions are no, no, and enough.

Here are some other buying suggestions that you may want to consider:

·       Don’t buy stuff just because it’s on sale. It’s not a good deal if you don’t use it.

·       Don’t buy in bulk unless you’re sure that you’ll use all of it.

·       Don’t buy anything without considering where you’re going to put it.

CCopyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin

ORGANIZING YOUR SPACE

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Being organized is about more than just being neat and tidy. It also means having items and information in places where you can reliably find them, use them, and then put them back where they came from. Part of your problem may be that you don’t know how to organize and store your things. Here are some guidelines and suggestions:

Start big. Rather than organize your stuff item by item, start with a more ambitious agenda. First pick an area you want to organize. Let’s say it’s your medicine cabinet. Take out everything and put it on the bathroom counter. Have a trash can handy. Give the cabinet a wipe and you’re ready to go. Now group the cold medicines together and put them on a shelf. If you come across items that you never use or that are out of date, throw them into the trash can. Move on to another category. Put the stuff you use most in the most convenient locations. Label the items that are hard to spot or aren’t clearly marked. When you’ve finished with the medicine cabinet, you can move on to your refrigerator, clothes closet, shoes . . . Remember, not everything has to be saved.

Use containers. Yes, I am advocating that you go out and buy more stuff! But not just yet. First figure out which containers you need. Jars, hooks, plastic boxes, plastic bags, and even baskets can find their places in your reorganization planning. Your first step is determining what you want to store. Food containers should most often be clear with lids. Objects like crayons, small toys, and blocks all do well in see-through containers, as well. To save space, go with square containers rather than round ones. Stackability is also a plus because it takes advantage of vertical space. Containers make cleaning up a lot easier by giving you definite places to return the things you use.

Label it. Whatever container you use, it helps to label the contents. For opaque containers and boxes, labeling becomes a must. On plastic bags, a permanent marker does the trick. An inexpensive labeler also proves useful when you can’t write on a container.

Categorize. While it’s true that if you stick all your books into a bookcase it will look orderly, it may not be the best organizational strategy. Come up with some basic categories without overdoing it. Start with fiction/nonfiction and add one or two more sub-categories. Similarly, in the kitchen, rather than having all your spices thrown together, use a simple A-F, G-N, and so on. Grouping can help you navigate. Labeled spice racks could do the trick, as well. Just keep them where you can see them.

Group. Rather than having your electronic gadgets all over the house, create a drawer or shelf just for these alone. Have a container for the small stuff that might otherwise get lost. Put all your sports equipment into a bin labeled for each particular sport. Again, smaller sports items (balls, pucks, and tees) could go in a box or container within the bin. In your medicine cabinet, group your medicines, soaps, and razors in separate sections or on different shelves.

Prioritize usage. Some things you use frequently, others much less. In your refrigerator, keep the most-used items near the front and on the most accessible shelf. The same with clothing. Socks, underwear, and favorite shirts and pants should be where you can easily reach them. Put the once-in-a-blue-moon stuff in the back. Better yet, give it away.

Put it back! If you use it, put it back where you found it. Don’t let all that organizational effort go to waste.                                      

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin

CLUTTER-BUSTING TECHNIQUES

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Okay, you’ve psyched yourself up for some serious de-cluttering. When you get into the trenches, try using the following clutter-busting techniques:

1.Pick any number from one to two. When considering what to do with an item of clutter, remember that you have two basic options: Keep it or lose it. If you decide to keep it, you must figure out what to do with it. If you choose to lose it, you can chuck it or give it away. Clearly, the biggest obstacle to getting rid of anything is having to make this choice.

2.Take a second look. It’s never too late to get rid of some of the stuff you decide to keep. Go back over your keeper pile and take a second look. Organizing even a small pile of things takes a lot of time. And although storage and filing play an important role in managing all the possessions that clutter your life, simply getting rid of stuff often makes more sense.

3.Use the Triage Method of Clutter Control. One approach I find useful in making difficult keep it/pitch it decisions is something I call the Triage Method of Clutter Control. First, I create three categories: Definitely Keep, Definitely Get Rid Of, and I’m Not Sure. Then I throw out or give away everything in the last two categories. The upside of unloading much more of your clutter far outweighs the downside of making a mistake. Don’t look back.

4.Get a clutter buddy. I’ve noticed that whenever I decide it’s time to de-clutter, I come up with marvelous ideas for organizing my wife’s side of the room. I have even better ideas when it comes to our children’s rooms. I’ve also noticed that my wife is equally creative in disposing of the stuff on my side of the room. You’re probably less sentimental, less ambivalent, and more determined when dealing with other people’s clutter rather than your own. Make this concept work for you. Ask your mate or a friend to help you de-clutter. Listen to that person, and do what he or she tells you.

5.Get some emotional support. De-cluttering can be a lonely and emotionally taxing job. You may need someone more emotionally supportive than your clutter buddy. This should be someone you feel comfortable talking with — a family member, a good friend, a colleague you trust, or perhaps a therapist. This support can keep you going when the going gets tough and you start to feel discouraged.

6.Play the dating game. If you can’t bring yourself to throw something out, put it in a box and put a date on the box that is exactly a year away. Don’t list what’s in the box — just the date. If the future date comes and goes without your needing anything in the box, take a quick look inside. If nothing critically important catches your eye, chuck it without a second look. Don’t look back. If you do need an item from the box, find a better place to keep it.

7.Use the three-month rule. I tend to keep old magazines around the house far too long with the noble intention of reading them. But after a certain point, I rarely do. Take a look at the dates on your magazines, and if they are older than three months for monthly publications or three weeks for weekly ones, chuck ’em.

8.Find a clutter recipient. Getting rid of stuff is much easier when you know that it won’t end up in the trash but rather in the hands of somebody who wants it and can use it. In fact, your rejects may be someone else’s cup of tea. Clothing, sports equipment, books, and furniture are often welcomed by others. Give your relatives and friends first crack at your treasures (but give them a definite time limit to come, look, and take). The Salvation Army, Goodwill Industries, thrift shops, and charity drives will be delighted (usually) to take the stuff that your family and friends turn down. You can even get a tax deduction for donating to charitable organizations.

9.Consider consignment. Sometimes it’s hard to give an object away because you really do believe it’s worth something. And you may be right. Putting it up for consignment may just do the trick.

10.If it doesn’t work, toss it. Look around your home for a broken toaster, blender, vacuum cleaner, radio, or clock — any small appliance that hasn’t worked for a long while. Once you find one, ask yourself whether you truly need it. If you decide to fix it, fix it. If not, replace or discard it. These days you may find that replacing the item is cheaper than having it repaired. However, chances are good that if you haven’t needed it in the last year, you probably don’t need it at all.

11.Whatever you do, don’t leave the broken item in your home. Throw it out or, better yet, give it to a charitable organization that will repair it and give it to someone who will use it. I often put a little note on the item explaining what’s wrong with it and then leave it at the side of our building. When I come back to check in about an hour or so, the piece is usually gone.

12.Handle things only once. You may be in the habit of putting some things aside and saying you’ll figure out later what to do with them. This just adds to the problem. Deal with it right in the moment. File it! Pay it! Delete it! Chuck it! Deal with it only once!

13.Invest in doors and drawers. If you absolutely must keep something, hide it. Unless the object in question is something you’re very fond of or somehow adds to the visual aesthetic of your decor, keep it out of sight. Store things in cabinets, closets, bureau drawers, or file cabinets — anyplace that contributes to a sense of visual order. But remember that the space things occupy behind doors is still space that you could use for something else.

Whole stores are now dedicated exclusively to storage furniture and containers. Their catalogs are great fun to look through, but remember not to make them a new part of your clutter.

14.Take a sample. I’m not sure at what point my wife and I realized we couldn’t keep absolutely every piece of artwork, craft project, or report card that our children brought home. I think it was when every major appliance in the kitchen was covered in crayon drawings. Then my wife came up with a brilliant idea: She brought home a large folder and began taking samples of the masterpieces we were especially fond of. This “art” folder is neatly stored in a back closet. The smaller masterpieces and mementos we scan and electronically file. When our children become famous “artistes,” we’ll cash in. You can do the same.

15.Take a picture. Often, items in your “I’m Not Sure” pile have sentimental value but are too big to keep around. You want the memories, but not necessarily the object. Take its picture. Pictures (especially the digital variety) take up far less space and still can bring a warm smile to your face. I remember a rather large stuffed animal that our children had when they were smaller. There came a time when it had to go, but sentiment was holding us back. We decided to take its picture and give the teddy bear to a thrift shop. This compromise worked well. The photograph on our computer collects far less dust. You may also want to include someone in the picture. Looking at your daughter squeezing Cuddles is a lot more satisfying than just looking at Cuddles by herself.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin

HOW YOUR CLUTTER STRESSES YOU OUT!

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Your biggest clutter-related stress may be how to get from your bed to the bathroom without injuring yourself on the boxes of stuff in your path. But clutter can also induce other sources of stress. Here is the list:

1.    Mess creates stress. A cluttered environment creates a stressful mindset.

2.    It takes time to find things.

3.    You may not find these things.

4.    Clutter can be expensive if you miss a bill payment because it’s lost under a pile.

5.    Your living space can feel claustrophobic.

6.    Clutter can affect your social life because when your home is cluttered, you may be reluctant to have people over.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin

ARE YOU A HOARDER?

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You’ve probably heard the term “hoarder” on reality TV shows and talk shows. The most iconic hoarders are the Collyer brothers, Homer and Langley, who lived in New York. Both were eventually found dead in the Harlem brownstone where they had lived, surrounded by more than 140 tons of items they had amassed over several decades. You’re not a hoarder just because you like to collect things and have too many possessions. It’s not considered hoarding even if you have trouble getting rid of your stuff. Hoarding refers to a more severe form of cluttering. For some people, the degree of clutter becomes dysfunctional and life-limiting. Their clutter is so excessive that it becomes a central disabling force in their lives. Here are some warning signs:

1.    The amount of clutter is so excessive that your living space is severely compromised. You can’t use your living space in the way it was intended or the way you would like.

2.    Your clutter causes you significant stress and upset, overwhelms you, and affects your relationships.

3.    Your clutter makes it difficult for you to navigate your living space.

4.    The degree of clutter threatens your health and well-being.

5.    You’ve been told by many others that you could use professional help. And they are not kidding.

If several of these criteria describe you, you may want to seek additional help. Professional groups and organizations can provide assistance and direction. Therapists who have some expertise with hoarding, as well as expertise with anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorders, addictions, phobias, and so on, are also a good source of help.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin

CLEARING AWAY THE CLUTTER

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If you lived in a place with infinite space, had a live-in maid, and were independently wealthy, you could consider your clutter a charming quirk, an amusing oversight. But I suspect that your clutter has become a pain and threatens to stress you out even more. De-cluttering can seem overwhelming. It’s only a matter of time before you feel like you’re lost in your clutter. You need help. You’re ready to start. But where? The following sections walk you through the de-cluttering process.

Bust those clutter excuses

If you’re going to war with clutter, it’s important to know exactly what the enemy looks like. Here are ten reasons why people hang onto stuff. At times, giving up your prized possessions is harder than pulling teeth. When pressed, you may vigorously defend your decision to hold onto some small thing. All the following excuses contain at least a sliver of truth. And all guarantee that after your funeral, your relatives will hold the world’s biggest garage sale. See if you can recognize some of your favorite clutter excuses.

“Someday I’ll need it.” This clutter excuse can be compelling. After all, you might need it someday. This is where your “what-if-ing” comes into play. The odds of your actually needing this are probably very small. That unread article or outdated computer cord will most likely never be reused. Do a cost-benefit analysis and ask yourself: “Aren’t I better off just getting rid of this stuff rather than keeping it on the very unlikely chance that I may use it?”

 “It was a present for my ninth birthday.” This is your sentimental clutter. Anything that reminds you of your past or has sentimental value can be tough to let go. This category of clutter can include every piece of artwork you or your child brought home from school. It can include every playbill from every play you have seen and every picture that was ever taken of you. Create a scrapbook of selected items, letting the rest go. Better yet, scan into your computer all the items you want to save and keep only a select few original items. If you don’t have a scanner, take pictures. Who says you can’t have your cake and eat it too?

“Somebody will want to buy this.” Good luck with this one! If I’m wrong and this treasure has eager buyers, list it on eBay or find another way to sell it. But make the decision: “I will put this up for sale now, or I will give it away, or I will chuck it.”

 “I’m sure I’ll find the matching one.” Usually this excuse is for orphaned socks or gloves. If you haven’t found the matching item in three months, let it go. Besides, everybody knows that washing machines eat socks.

“Yes, it’s broken, but it can be fixed.” Fix it, give it away, or throw it out. These days it will probably cost you more to fix something electronic than to replace it, but if you feel it can be reasonably repaired, commit to locating a repair service this week.

 “If I just lose 30 pounds, I’ll fit into this.” I certainly hope you will lose that weight (I know you can do it!), but for many people this is a difficult task. Why not keep a few items of clothing that you absolutely love and donate all the rest? After you’ve shed those pounds, you can reward yourself with some serious shopping for smart new togs.

“My kids will want to give it to their kids.” My experience with my kids is that they rarely relish getting old stuff from us. Ask them if they would like these objects. If they say yes, ask them to take possession of them now. If your kids are very young, don’t hold your breath.

“I got it on sale.” This is your bargain clutter. It’s hard to resist a good deal. Half-price sale? No problem! Buy one get one free? Let’s do it! Shopping at the big-box stores can be a trap. When you see something on sale, it becomes hard to resist. And if you buy it, it’s hard to get rid of because it was a bargain. What you want to avoid is impulse buying. If you’re seduced by a “bargain,” whether you see it online, in print, or in a store, stop and ask yourself some pertinent questions:

1.“Do I really need this?”

2.“Would I ever buy this if it weren’t on sale?”

3.“Do I have a place to put this?”

If possible, give yourself time to reflect on whether you really think this is a smart purchase. Most sales give you some wiggle room to think before you buy. If the idea still seems right the next day, and you’re still determined to buy it, go ahead. If you’re in a store and it’s now or never, do your other shopping first, and then ask yourself the three questions above. If the answer is “no” to any of these, take a pass. Even if you regret not making the purchase later on, you’ll almost always have a second chance to buy it at a bargain price. And if you’re still paralyzed with indecision, get another opinion from someone who knows you well.

 “It will be a collector’s item one day.” If you’ve ever watched those Antiques Roadshow programs on PBS, you know that one man’s garbage can be another man’s treasure. Alas, the truth is, one man’s garbage is usually another man’s clutter. Get an objective appraisal from a trusted, neutral source. If the item is worth something, sell it now.

“I plan on reading this.” This is the excuse that keeps you from ever throwing out a book you haven’t read or that newspaper, magazine, or article you hope to read one day but probably never will. If you haven’t read it by a reasonable time, you probably won’t. Give your books to the school or library rummage sale. Your shelves will thank you. If an article is important to you, scan it and put it in an organized digital file.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin

ARE YOU ORGANIZATIONALLY CHALLENGED?

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Your first step in coming up with effective organizational strategies is recognizing that you may be truly disorganized. Take this unofficial “test” and see whether becoming better organized is an area you need to work on.

Read each of the following statements and see to what extent each statement describes you. Use the following ratings to help you better gauge how disorganized you are:

                                      3 = Very much like me

                                      2 = Somewhat like me

                                      1 = A little like me

                                      0 = Not at all like me

1. Your home is filled with far too much stuff.

2.Your closets, drawers, and cabinets are disorganized.

3.You’re frequently late for your appointments.

4.You’re a big procrastinator.

5.You find that you spend lots of time looking for things you’ve misplaced.

6.You’re often late paying your bills.

7.Your friends and family tell you that you have a problem with clutter.

8.You feel stressed out by all the stuff in your home.

9.Your computer files are generally disorganized.

10.You rarely use lists to help you get organized.

11.You buy duplicates of things you already own because you can’t find the originals.

12.Your desk or workspace is disorganized.

13.You feel you don’t have enough time to get organized.

You probably answered with twos or threes for at least a few of these quiz items. However, if you identify strongly with many or most of these statements, poor organizational skills may be playing an important role in creating excessive stress in your life.

More important than determining a global organizational score is identifying your specific areas and patterns of disorganization. The following categories help you do this.

Identifying your personal disorganization

Getting better organized means being aware of the areas in which you could use some help. Disorganization can be broken down to more discrete sub-groups. See which ones best describe your own forms of disorganization.

You don’t manage your time well. If your time-management skills are wobbly, you find that you often run late, miss deadlines, work inefficiently, procrastinate, plan poorly, and feel overwhelmed by not having enough time. Too many things don’t get done. Time management is such an important stress-reducing skill that it warrants its own chapter .

You’re surrounded by clutter. You own far too many things, and those things are way out of control. Your flat surfaces are invitations to put stuff on, preferably in piles. You have great difficulty getting rid of your stuff. It could be clothes, books, papers, out-of-date electronics, or broken just-about-anything. You feel like you’re drowning in your stuff, and you’re not terribly optimistic that the situation is going to change.

Your home is in constant disarray. Your storage spaces are randomly organized. Cabinets and closets are a mish-mash of organization. Finding anything is a hit-and-miss affair. You make poor use of containers, storage bags, shelves, and drawers. You rarely use labels.

You lack a good system for keeping track of bills and other important information. Your personal records, bills, passport, mortgage paperwork, and important files are somewhere, but you aren’t sure just where. You have no filing system. You don’t use your computer, tablet, or smartphone to help you organize your life.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin

CULTIVATING MINDFUL ACCEPTANCE

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Many of the ideas, suggestions, and directions in this book are designed to help you cope with stress in highly immediate, responsive ways. In various chapters I discuss how you can modify your environment, change how you think, and master more effective behavioral skills. The emphasis here is on doing, fixing, and changing.

While many of your stressors can be changed, fixed, or even eliminated, many times this isn’t possible. Sadly but realistically, your life will always be punctuated by major stressors. They may take the form of the death of a loved one, a major illness, a divorce, or a serious injury, to mention but a few of life’s major blows. Change may not be easy or even possible. In such cases, your first step becomes acceptance. Whenever you can’t change or fix a stressful situation, your most effective stress-management strategy may be acceptance. But the value of acceptance extends beyond coping with life’s major stressors. Effectively coping with any stressor, big or small, starts with acceptance.

Understanding acceptance

Acceptance, put most succinctly, means:

1.Recognizing and expecting that your life will be punctuated by pain, sorrow, loss, discomfort, and disappointment.

2.Acknowledging and tolerating that distress without denying it, fighting it, judging it, or immediately trying to change it.

3.Looking at your reality and accepting it the way it is, not demanding that it be the way you want it to be.

When you accept an unpleasant or unwanted experience, be it a situation, an event, a feeling, or a thought, you acknowledge that it is. You may not like it or want it, but it’s there. Your smartphone is on the bottom of the lake. You have to wait for the plane to take off. You didn’t get the job. Accept it! Acceptance is not always easy. Our instincts tell us to fight it, change it, fix it, or get rid of it. And sometimes you can. But a more effective way of coping is first learning to accept what is. Without acceptance, you’re in a constant battle with the stressors around you. Sometimes it’s best not to fight. Sometimes it’s best to accept.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin

CONTROLLING YOUR ATTENTION

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If awareness is the first step in becoming more mindful, learning how to control and direct your attention is the next step. This next exercise will help you figure out how to shift your attention.

I like this exercise because it gives you the experience of focusing your attention on one part of your inner and outer world and then switching attention, moving to some other aspect of your world. Here’s what to do:

The first part:

1.Find a place where you can sit comfortably without being disturbed for about five minutes.

The place doesn’t have to be totally quiet. In fact, some ambient sounds make this exercise work even better.

2.Close your eyes and begin directing your attention to your breathing.

You don’t have to change the way you breathe, just focus your attention on what is happening in your body when you breathe.

3.Notice the way the cool air feels when you inhale through your nostrils.

4.Notice how the stream of air goes to the back of your throat and into your lungs.

5.Notice how your diaphragm rises as you inhale and falls when you exhale.

6.Notice how much warmer the air is leaving your body.

7.Be aware of any other aspects of your breathing.

Is your body making any sounds as you breathe?

8.Notice that your breathing slows as you keep focusing on your breathing.

If your thoughts wander, simply notice that they have wandered and return your attention to your breathing. Keep this up for about two minutes.

The second part:

1.Let your attention shift to your stomach.

Pay attention to how it feels. Full? Empty? Do you notice any movement? Any sounds? Notice how your stomach moves in and out with your breathing. See if you can maintain this focus for another minute or so.

2.Shift your attention to the way your body feels in the chair.

Notice the sensations it creates in your body.

3.Shift to noticing any sounds you hear outside of your body.

4.Try shifting the focus of your attention back and forth between inner-body sensations and external sounds.

A funny taste in your mouth? A breeze on your face?

This exercise hones your ability to maintain your attention and become more sensitive to subtle changes and variations in your experience. It also, and more importantly, shows you that you aren’t locked into these feelings and experiences but can remain apart from them. They don’t define you or limit you. They are not you.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin

LEARNING HOW TO DETACH

Detaching from your stress means you’re able to step away from that situation, event, memory, or worry — whatever form your stress takes at that particular time. Stepping away may sound easy, but often it’s not. Our thoughts and feelings are compelling. Like a spider’s web, they can entrap us in an ever-spiraling web of rumination, worry, and upset. The pull of your stress-producing thinking is incredibly strong, and once it has you in its grip, escaping is not easy. That’s why detaching yourself from your thoughts and feelings becomes so important.

Creating awareness

The first step is becoming aware of what you want to detach from. The goal is to be able to detach from a stressful situation before it has you in its grip. Learning to detach from non-stressful triggers is much easier and therefore a better place to start. Start by asking yourself this simple question: What am I paying attention to right now?

By posing this question, you create an awareness of exactly what is holding your attention. The following is a simple exercise that can help you develop greater awareness of how and to what you’re paying attention.

1.Every time you check the time on your watch, computer, or cell phone, use this as a cue to pause briefly, take a deep breath, hold it for a bit, and slowly exhale.

2.Now ask yourself: What am I thinking about right now? What am I feeling? What am I doing?

Crack a smile?

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Detaching from a stressor or stress reaction can be hard. One tool that can help you transition from an emotional state to a more mindful state is to smile. “Wait a minute,” you say, “when I’m waiting in traffic or worried about my finances, you want me to smile? Get real!” Yes, I recognize that this will be a phony smile — forced and artificial. Do it anyway. It can help you gain objectivity and psychological distance. It distracts you momentarily, and the changes in facial muscle tension can alter your mood. Smiling gives you important seconds to regroup, gain some objectivity, and become more aware. Try it!

This simple response can refocus your attention. With practice, you won’t need a cue to be able to create this awareness on your own.

Creating distance

Here is another exercise that will help you get some psychological and emotional distance from a potential stressor.

1.    Suppose you feel an itch on your arm.

          Your natural response is to scratch it. Suppose, however, that rather than immediately reacting to the itch by scratching, you simply become aware of the sensation of itching and choose not to do anything about it.

2.    Imagine that you’re able to step away from the sensation.

          The scientist in you takes over, and you become a neutral observer. In a mindful way, you’re able to describe what the sensation of itching feels like (perhaps irritating, frustrating, or annoying).

3.    If you can mentally step back a little further, you can suspend any judgment about the itch (“This is driving me crazy! I hate this!”).

      You can also withhold your assessment of your ability to cope with the itch (“I can’t stand it! I just have to scratch!”).

4.    You can view the itch with a certain curiosity.

          Now you have distance. You’re not a prisoner of the itch. 

A major aim of mindfulness is to become aware of your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without reacting to them. This sentence, on first reading, may seem a bit puzzling. We’re so accustomed to responding to our thoughts and feelings that it’s second nature to do so. But as you recognized while doing the itch exercise, you do have a choice.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin

REVISITING YOUR DAILY ROUTINES

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Your daily life provides many built-in, informal opportunities to practice this shifting of attention, of becoming more aware of what is happening right now. Consider the simple act of eating.

Eat something!

In the past I’ve generally been a mindless eater. I ate too quickly, mostly unaware of how and what I was eating. Often I watched television or read a newspaper while I ate. Many of us are like that. Yes, we’re somewhat aware of the taste and the short-lasting effect of feeling good, but the experience is remarkably quick. Eating has become automatic.

This exercise is a simple way to demonstrate what it means to become more mindful in daily life. This takes only about five minutes. It involves eating a piece of food mindfully. Usually the food of choice has been a raisin. But you may not have a raisin in your cupboard. It doesn’t matter. Simply find food — a bowl of cereal, a grape, an apple, an orange segment, anything. Here’s what to do:

1.Find a place where you won’t be disturbed or distracted for a short while.

2.Let’s say you’ve decided to work with an orange segment. Hold the segment in your fingers. Pretend this is the first time you’ve ever seen a piece of orange.

3.Focus on the segment and pay attention to what it looks like — its texture, its shape, the lines, the colors, and the way the light reflects on its surface. Does it feel hard or soft? Rough or smooth?

4.Smell the section. Sweet? Citrusy?

5.Very slowly put the orange segment in your mouth.

Don’t chew or swallow just yet. Notice what it feels like in your mouth. Is your mouth watering?

6.Bite down, noticing what the sensation feels like.

Soft? Hard? How does it move around your mouth? Notice the taste you experience.

7.Begin to chew, noticing how the consistency changes as you chew.

Chew for a short while and then swallow, noticing the sensations in your throat and what it feels like as the bits of orange move from your mouth, down your throat, and into your stomach.

8.Step back and take a moment to reflect on the process.

Go beyond fruit

Here are some other built-in opportunities to introduce more mindfulness into your life. In each case, decide to pay attention to this routine behavior in a curious, exploratory way, as if this is the first time you’re doing this. Bring as many of your five senses to bear as possible. Ask yourself, “What do I see, hear, feel, smell, and taste?”

                                       Brushing your teeth

                                      Taking a bath or shower

                                      Getting dressed

                                      Washing dishes

                                      Eating a meal

                                      Cleaning the house

                                      Sitting on a train

                                      Driving your car

                                      Working out in a gym

                                      Walking down the street

Or any other automatic behavior you can think of.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin

DEVELOPING THE SKILLS OF MINDFULLNESS

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As with mastering any worthwhile skill, you sometimes have to practice. The word “practice” can have multiple meanings. In one way, it means putting to use or applying, as in “He practices what he preaches.” Another meaning suggests repeating a skill or behavior until you get good at it, as in “He practices the piano.” Mindfulness can be practiced in both ways. In the following sections, I encourage you to work with more structured exercises geared to help you practice and eventually master the skills of mindfulness. It does take some effort, but the results will be well worth it.

Staying in the present

I’m sure you’ve heard slogans like “Stay in the present!” or “Be here now!” And for good reason. The reality is that all you really have is the present. Running on auto-pilot robs you of your present experience. You fail to appreciate the meaningful details that make up the fabric of your life. Your automatic behaviors can hijack the present, leaving you unaware of what’s happening right now. You miss life! Your thoughts and emotions can also become automatic. Too much of our mental and emotional life is spent reflexively, looking backward, rehashing the past, lamenting, and regretting things we said or did (or failed to say or do). And if we aren’t looking backward, we’re worrying about or planning for what the future will bring. In contrast, mindfulness invites you to live your life as it unfolds, in the present.

Breathing more mindfully

This simple breathing exercise can help you stay focused on the present.

1.Find a place where you will be relatively undisturbed for a few minutes.

 Set a timer for a length of time that realistically fits your schedule. A few minutes should work fine.

2.Sit comfortably in a chair or on a cushion.

3. Begin paying attention to your breathing.                                      

Notice where you feel your breath. Is it higher in your chest or lower in your belly? Do you inhale and exhale through your nose or mouth?

4.Focusing on your breathing, begin counting upward from one to ten and then backward from ten to one.

If your attention wanders, you lose count, you over-count, or you find your thoughts taking you to another place, gently bring your attention back to the breathing and counting. Simply start again at one.

So, how did you do? Were you able to detach and get some separation from your thoughts and feelings? It’s not easy. Our minds are busy generating thoughts — all kind of thoughts all the time. Our thoughts and feelings grab us and pull us in. Too often our minds get locked into our worries, opinions, judgments, and concerns. We need some psychological distance.

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                                      Picturing a day at the beach

Not long ago I came across an issue of New Yorker magazine with a cover illustration depicting a family — a mom, dad, and two kids, posing for a picture on the beach while on their vacation in Hawaii. The resulting photograph showed all four of them glued to their digital devices. No one looked up. They were oblivious, completely unaware of being photographed or of anything else around them — the bright blue sky, the swaying palm trees, the turquoise ocean. For me, this captured the essence of what it means not to be living in the present.

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Don’t worry if you had to restart several times. Don’t judge your performance. Cut yourself some slack. The goal is not to do this exercise perfectly but rather to become aware of how you can control your attention and focus, stay in the present, and recognize how easily your thoughts can pull you off track.

Exercises like this one can help you be more in the present. They can free you from the pull of everyday concerns and worries. The goal isn’t primarily to relax you or quiet your mind, though this is often a benefit. The goal of this and similar exercises is to train you to become aware of what you’re attending to and to become better able to shift that attention — and eventually to be more aware in the present moment.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2nd edition by Allen Elkin