WHAT ME WORRY?

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Worrying is one of the major ways your mind stays revved and keeps you stressed. You may find yourself worrying during the day or at three in the morning when you’d rather be sleeping. You may worry about a relationship or how you’re going to come up with the money to pay for all the things you charged this month. Whatever your worry, it may be keeping your mind running a mile a minute.. It provides you with a number of effective techniques and strategies that can help you reduce and control those distressing worries. However, here are two simple strategies that should give you some stress relief and reduce your level of worrying.

                                      Scheduling your worries

          Sometimes your worries cry out for a solution. You can’t leave them be. Distraction or evasion may provide some temporary relief, but they aren’t the answer. These may be real problems or issues that need to be resolved: How are you going to get a better job? How can you help your child be happier at school? How do you tell your significant other that you want to break up? Trying to resolve these stressors in the moment may not be a good idea for at least two reasons:

1.    It’s 3 a.m. and you need your sleep.

2.    You’re too stressed, and your thinking is muddled and distorted.

          One solution is to schedule a time when you can problem solve and figure out what to do. It may be “tomorrow morning at breakfast” or “this weekend when I’m at the gym.” Rita, for example, is ruminating endlessly but getting nowhere, trying to figure out how to tell her manager that she’s bored with what she’s doing and wants a change. She schedules a morning meeting with herself at a coffee shop. At the “meeting,” she puts down on paper some thoughts about what she wants to say. She rehearses how she will present her ideas. Her thinking is clearer, more focused, and less emotional than it would have been at 3 a.m. or at the end of another long, frustrating day at work.

                                      Blowing up your worries

          Sometimes humor can help you diffuse a worry. It can help you gain perspective and look at your worry at a distance. For example, suppose you’re worried that you may say something dumb at a meeting. “OMG,” you’re thinking, “this is awful!” You ruminate, over-worry, and cause yourself more grief than is appropriate.

Instead, try blowing up the consequences:

“OMG, they’ll be laughing at me forever! I’ll be the office joke! Posters of me will be plastered in the kitchen. Every year they’ll set aside a special day memorializing my gaff!”

I don’t think so.

          Striking up the band (or better yet, the string quartet)

          As playwright William Congreve observed, music has charms to soothe the savage breast. He was right, though he could have added the savage leg, arm, jaw, and others parts of the human anatomy. Music therapists know that listening to music can result in significant physiological changes in your body: Your heart rate drops, your breathing slows, and your blood pressure lowers. But not all music does the trick. Some music can upset you, making you more stressed. (Think of that Metallica groupie living upstairs.) Other music may delight you but still not have a calming effect.

                                      Go for Baroque

          Following is a short list of field-tested composers and compositions (Baroque and otherwise) that should slow your pulse.

          Bach: The slower second movements are particularly appropriate for relaxation. “Air on the G String” is a real calmer.

          Handel: Water Music.

          Chopin: Nocturnes.

          Schubert: Symphony No. 8 in B Minor.

          Pachelbel: Canon.

           Albinoni: Adagio in G Minor.

          Mozart: Piano Concerto No. 21.

           Beethoven: Symphony No. 6, also known as the Pastoral Symphony.

           Elgar: Salut d’Amour.

          Not a fan of the classics?

          Of course, relaxing music need not all be classical. Bach and Mozart probably aren’t as effective as Charles Mingus if you’re a jazz fan. Other forms of music can be incredibly soothing. Many of the New Age recordings work nicely.

          No one piece of music works for everyone. Experiment. Find what relaxes you. Listen in your car while commuting, in bed before going to sleep, and in your favorite chair in your favorite room. Headphones and a personal music player allow you to take your music — and a state of relaxation — wherever you go.

                                      Visiting the rain forest

          Some years ago, I was vacationing by the ocean, and as I was lolling by the water, I was transfixed by the soothing sounds of the waves rhythmically caressing the shore. Gee, I thought, wouldn’t it be nice if I could have this sound lull me to sleep in my home in the city? Well, I can, and so can you.

          These days, electronic sound machines can reproduce virtually any sound you can imagine. These machines cost dramatically less than they did just a few years ago and are also available as apps on your laptop or smartphone. So if, like me, you like the sounds of waves, no sweat. Or how about a tropical rain forest? Perhaps you like to be soothed by the sound of rain on a roof, a gurgling brook, or a beating heart. Your choice.

                                      Using some common scents

          Your ears aren’t the only road to mental relaxation. Your nose can work, as well. People have been using scents to relieve stress and tension for centuries. An aroma can elicit feelings of calm and serenity. In fact, a school of therapy called aromatherapy, a complementary and alternative treatment to medicine, is devoted to using your sense of smell as a vehicle for emotional change.

          Studies carried out by Alan Hirsch, M.D., neurological director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, suggest that there is a connection between smell and mood: Your mood may have a biological basis.

          Dr. Hirsch found that the part of the brain that registers smell may be biologically linked to the part of the brain that registers emotion. Certainly, the right scent can relax you and put you in a better mood. Here are some easy-to-find, soul-satisfying smells you may want to consider:

1.    A bowl of green apples on your table

2.    Suntan lotion

3.    Vanilla extract

4.    Freshly baked just-about-anything

5.    Soaps, hand creams, bath oils, perfumes, and aftershave

6.    Freshly brewed coffee

Light up

          Candles can be a wonderful addition to your repertoire of stress-reducing devices. A burning candle connotes romance, warmth, peace, and a sense of tranquility. The flickering of the flame can be hypnotic. Burning scented candles only adds to the effect. Which scent to use depends upon what you find most pleasant and appealing. Vanilla and floral fragrances tend to be most relaxing. Often these aromas recall pleasant memories of childhood. And just think of the money you can save on your electric bill.

                                      Mix your own aroma cocktail

          If you have no time to bake bread or perk coffee, try concocting your own stress-reducing aroma by using commercially available oils. “Essential oils” and “natural oils” tend to produce better therapeutic benefits, but synthetic oils are less costly. You can buy these pleasing fragrances from a number of shops or mail-order places. You can find essential oils in gourmet shops or at craft stores at a price far less than in a more upscale boutique or spa. If you’re in a do-it-yourself mood, you can find books at your local library that show you how to derive essential oils from flowers. Some of the more common oils used to induce a relaxed, calm state are lavender, rose, jasmine, chamomile, orange blossom, vanilla, bergamot, geranium, and sandalwood. Often, you can combine oils to produce a new, relaxing aroma.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

MAKING THINGS MOVE

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Your image need not be a static scene. It can change and move. You may, for example:

1.     Imagine a sports event that you enjoy. It could be a baseball game that you attended. Or make one up. Mentally follow the plays as you work your way through the innings. Not a baseball fan? Try imagining a tennis match

2. Try replaying favorite movies in your mind, visualizing different scenes and filling in bits of dialogue. Scenic movies work wonderfully.

3. Remember the details of a trip you’ve taken and retrace your journey from place to place.

This guided imagery, as it’s called, can help keep you focused and interested in your image and ensure that unwanted, intrusive thoughts stay out of the picture.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

USING YOUR IMAGINATION

One of the best ways to calm your mind and stop those unwanted, persistent worries is to use your imagination. If you can replace that stress-producing thought or image with one that is relaxing, chances are you’ll feel much better. Here’s how:

          1.Find a place where you won’t be disturbed for a few minutes and get comfortable, either sitting in a favorite chair or lying down.

          2.Think of an image — a place, a scene, or a memory — that relaxes you.

          Use all of your senses to bring that imagined scene to life. Ask yourself: What do I see? What can I hear? What can I smell? What can I feel?

          3.Let yourself become completely immersed in your image, allowing it to relax you completely.                                     

                                               

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                                                    Isn’t this relaxing?

          “Sounds good,” you say, “but what is my relaxing image?” Try taking one of these mental vacations (airfare included):

          The Caribbean package: Imagine that you’re on the beach of a Caribbean isle. The weather is perfect. Lying on the cool sand, you feel the warm breeze caress your body. You hear the lapping of the ocean waves on the shore and the tropical birds chirping in the palms. You’re slowly sipping a piña colada. You can smell your coconut-scented suntan lotion. You feel wonderful. You’re relaxed. Your mind is totally at peace.

          The pool package: You’re lying in a large inflatable raft, floating blissfully in a beautiful swimming pool. The day is perfect. The sky is a deep blue, and the sun is warming your relaxed body. You feel the gentle rocking of the raft in the water. You hear the soothing voice of the waiter announcing a buffet lunch in half an hour. You’re content. You could lie here forever (at least until they serve that buffet).

          The winter wonderland package: Picture yourself in a small cabin in Vermont. (If your tastes lean to the more extravagant, switch the scene to Aspen or Gstaad — the cost is the same no matter where you go.) You’re snowed in, but that’s fine because you don’t have to be anywhere and no one needs to contact you. Also, you’re not alone — a favorite person is with you, and you’re both lying in front of a crackling fire. Soft music is playing in the background. You’re sipping hot toddies, mulled wine, or champagne.

          A pleasing memory: Picture a memory, possibly from your childhood or from a more recent time, that you find particularly happy and satisfying. It could be a vacation long ago, a birthday party you loved, or time spent frolicking with a childhood pet.

          None of these examples do it for you? Then come up with your own personal relaxation image. You might try one of these:

1.    Soaking in a hot, soapy bath . . . soft music . . . candlelight . . .

2.    Walking in a quiet forest . . . birds chirping . . . leaves rustling . . .

3.    Lying under a tree in the park . . . warm breezes . . . more chirping

4.    In your most comfortable chair . . . reading a great book . . . no chirping . . .

          What you see and hear usually dominates your imagination. But don’t forget your senses of touch, taste, and smell. By adding these sensual dimensions, you can enrich your images and make them more involving. Feel the sand between your toes; smell the freshly brewed coffee; taste the salt in the air. 

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

DISTRACTING YOURSELF

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Often your thinking heads south and your worries and fears escalate when you have too much free, unfocused time. You may find something to worry about no matter what’s going on in your life. It seems that as soon as one stressful situation is resolved, you find something else to be distressed about. Perhaps the simplest way to calm your mind is to distract yourself by focusing on some other thought, interest, activity, that holds and redirects your attention. This idea may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised how often people overlook this option. Psychologists know that concentrating on two things at the same time is very hard. Therefore, if your mind is flooded with distressing thoughts, change course. Find something else to think about. Just like the “pink elephant” challenge I mentioned earlier in this chapter, you can eliminate a negative image by replacing it with another — say “white polar bears.” Every time a worrisome, undesired image or thought presents itself, distract yourself with some other, more positive thought or activity. Here are some suggested thought and involvements to consider:

1.    Recall something in your life you’re grateful for.

          2. Remember something good that happened to you.

          3. Think of something you’re looking forward to.

4. Go to the gym.

          5.  Read a book, newspaper, or magazine.

          6. Watch some television.

          7. Go to a movie.

          8. Talk to a friend.

          9. Work or play on your computer.

          10. Play a sport.

          11. Immerse yourself in some project or hobby.

          12. Listen to some favorite music.

          13. Work in the garden.

          Jumping into any of these thoughts or activities doesn’t mean that you’re eliminating or changing your stressful situation (more direct approaches in other chapters will help you do just that), but it can pull you out of your ruminations, worries, and upsets until you come up with a longer-term strategy.

          Like everything else in life, you can overdo distraction. Vegging, zoning out, or losing yourself in some pleasurable activity can be relaxing and provide some balance to other parts of your stressful life. Too much distraction, however, may not be better. Spending hours watching TV, playing a computer game, or browsing online may be distracting, but you may be missing out on other more rewarding experiences. Go for balance.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

TURNING OFF YOUR MIND

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If only you had a switch on the side of your head that, with a quick flick, could simply stop the ruminating, the worry, the anxiety, the hurt, the anger — all of the distressing thoughts and feelings that flood your mind. Clearly you don’t have an on-off switch to control your thoughts. However you do have more control over your thinking and feeling than you may imagine. You can become more aware of what you’re thinking and decide how much attention and importance you should give to these thoughts and feelings. Your goal is to see your mind, if not always as a friend, at least as a part of you that you can control, manage, and calm.

Simply saying to yourself, “I will absolutely not think about this stuff anymore!” rarely works. Suppressing unwanted thoughts by willing them away is tough to do. Remember when a friend challenged you: “Don’t think about pink elephants”? Barely are the words out of your friend’s mouth when a herd of pinkish elephants fills your mind. The harder you try to will yourself not to think of something, the more likely it is that you in fact will think of that something.

The following sections offer some effective techniques that have been shown to help you escape persistent negative thoughts. I start with a technique that focuses on specific unwanted thoughts and progress to other ways of coping with more generalized forms of emotional distress.

Stopping your unwanted thoughts

Sometimes an unwanted thought or worry grabs you and won’t let go. Perhaps you have an upsetting worry that continually intrudes into your thinking and keeps you from enjoying a pleasant evening with friends. Or maybe you’re trying to fall asleep, and the thoughts racing around in your head make sleeping impossible. You recognize that there’s nothing you can do about your worry and that your worrying is only making things worse. You’d be better off if you could somehow stop thinking about this. But how?

That’s where a technique called thought stopping can be useful. It’s an effective way of keeping repetitive worries and upsets temporarily out of your mind, and it’s also effective in weakening those thoughts, making it less likely that they’ll return. Concentrating on two things at the same time is hard. So if your mind is flooded with distressing thoughts, change course. Find something else, a “wanted” thought you actually enjoy thinking about.

Here’s how to get this technique to work for you:

1.      Write down your unwanted thoughts.

          On a piece of paper, write down three or four thoughts that repeatedly trigger distress. It could be an upsetting memory (your embarrassment when you said something dumb at a meeting), a future fear (an upcoming dental visit), or an imagined anxiety (a plane crash).

2.      Think of some pleasant replacement thoughts.

Write down three or four pleasant, happy thoughts you may have, such as taking a great vacation, achieving a long-term goal, skiing down a mountain, shopping — any pleasant experience, past or future. Keep these pleasant thoughts in your memory so you can easily bring them into consciousness.

3.      Focus on an unwanted thought.

          Find a place where you’ll be undisturbed for about 20 minutes. Sitting or lying comfortably, take some deep breaths and relax your body as much as you can. Close your eyes and select one of your unwanted thoughts. (Don’t choose your most distressing thought at the beginning. You’ll get to the tougher ones later.) Get into your distressing thought using all your senses — what it looks like, feels like, and so on. Hold onto that unwanted thought for a bit.

4.      Yell “stop!”

          Now (and this may sound a bit strange) yell out the word “stop.” At the same time, picture a red-and-white hexagonal stop sign — you know, the kind you see on the street corner. Make your sign large and vivid.

5.      Replace that thought.

          Replace that unwanted thought with one of your pleasant thoughts. Mentally shift your attention to that positive image and feeling. Immerse yourself in this replacement thought, strengthening it with visual images, sounds, and maybe even smells and tastes (Thanksgiving dinner?).

6.      Repeat this process.

          Do this again with the same unwanted thought. Then try it with another unwanted thought. If your pleasant replacement thought loses some of its potency, use one of your others. After you get better at this, stop yelling “stop” and only yell the word in your head. You’re now ready to put this into practice in real life.

The image of the sign and the vocal or silent “stop” will disrupt your thought sequence and temporarily put the unwanted thought out of your mind. Be warned, however: It probably will return, and you may have to repeat this sequence again. And again. If your stress-producing thought or image is strong, it may take many repetitions of this technique to weaken or eliminate it. Stick with it.

Snapping out of it

A variation of the thought-stopping technique that has proved useful for many people is to use a rubber band to help interrupt a distressing thought. Simply take an ordinary rubber band and put it around your wrist. Now, whenever you notice an intrusive or unwanted thought crowding your thinking, pull the elastic and let it snap your wrist. This shouldn’t be painful — just a sharp reminder that you want this distressing thought to go. Use your mental stop sign and remember to replace your unwanted thought with something more pleasant.

One way of enhancing this “stop” technique is to combine it with a breathing technique. It works like this. Instead of replacing your unwanted thought with a pleasant one, focus instead on your breathing. Take some slow, deep breaths and begin counting your exhaled breaths, forward from one to ten and then backward from ten to one. Repeat this process every time you encounter those unwanted, distressing thoughts.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

WHERE DO ALL THESE THOUGHTS COME FROM?

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The ability to think may represent one of the stellar achievements of scaling that evolutionary ladder. Your cat or dog probably doesn’t wake at 3 a.m. worrying about how he’s going to come up with that next mortgage payment. What goes on in your head comes from many different sources. A brief list would include:

Your DNA: You are, in fact, born with a certain temperament and personality traits that may predispose you to think, feel, and react in more stressful ways.

Your family: No surprises here. Mom and Dad play an important role, especially in your younger years, in determining who you are and how you think. Were they critical? Supportive? Were they an active part of your life, or were they absent?

Your life experiences: Positive experiences and negative experiences — your joys, traumas, successes, failures, educational experiences, relationships, religious beliefs — all determine, to varying degrees, how you see yourself and your world.

Your thoughts can take a variety of forms. Much of your thinking can be positive, adaptive, and even fun. You plan for your future, you prudently construct a budget, you replay your daughter’s performance in the school play, and so on. Unfortunately, too much of your thinking works against you, creating unnecessary stress. If you can identify your negative thoughts you are better able to manage them and, if need be, change them.

                                      Sorting out your thoughts

Here is but a sampling of what this negative, not-so-adaptive thinking consists of:

Perfectionism: Insisting that you (and possibly others) be perfect; setting unrealistically high standards for yourself and others.

 Self-downing: Putting yourself down when you fail, are rejected, or don’t have those traits or abilities you think are important for your happiness.

Catastrophizing and awfulizing: Exaggerating the importance and potential consequences of negative events.

Fear of disapproval: Believing that being disapproved of says too much about your identity and value.

 Fear of failure: Seeing failure as a global negative rating of your worth.

Fear of uncertainty: The inability to cope with the unknown and unpredictable. 

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin

QUIETING YOUR MIND

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Your mind is constantly working. Sometimes it races, sometimes it slows, but it rarely stops. Even when you’re sleeping, the wheels are turning. You may be worrying about work, your relationships, your finances, or simply how you’re going to juggle the hundred and one things on your plate. Whatever the source of your worry or distress, you clearly aren’t going to relax until you stop — or at least slow — this mental mayhem.

          Consider Matt’s stressful night: Matt is in bed at 11:30, ready and determined to go to sleep. But he well knows that isn’t going to happen. His thinking is just starting to rev up. He’s worried about his job and what he’ll do if that rumored layoff comes through. His credit cards, although not maxed out, are getting there. His relationship with Jenna is losing some steam. Maybe they should take a break for a while. He thinks about yesterday, when his friend Mark told him he wasn’t being a good friend and wasn’t spending enough time with him. Doesn’t Mark understand how busy he is? He remembers his bad decision to buy this apartment. “Don’t really love it. Costing me a fortune! Not worth it! How can I sell it in this market?”

          Matt’s worries are real. But if he continues to ruminate and obsess, he won’t fall asleep until next week. It’s not only the nights when his thinking starts to spin. The days are just as bad. He wishes he didn’t have these problems, but it seems his mind races like this even when the problems change. He desperately wants his brain to shut off or at least slow down. Why do all his worries and anxieties keep spiraling in his mind? “Where,” he asks, “is the off switch?”

Five signs that your mind is stressed

          Below are some of the more common signs that indicate that your mind is working overtime. See how many of the following describe you.

1.    Your mind seems to be racing.

2.     You find controlling your thoughts difficult            

3.    You’re worried, irritable, or upset

4.    You’re preoccupied more often and find concentrating more difficult.

5.     You find it difficult to fall asleep or fall back asleep once awake.

Copyright © Allen Elkin Phd – Originally appeared in Stress Management for Dummies 2^nd edition by Allen Elkin